Holding on and letting go
by Lifeart
Summary: Mac's been missing for hours. Has he been kidnapped or is there something else behind his disappearance? Jack's going to find out the reason one way or another but will his findings change things between him and Mac? Warnings: Bad language


**A/N: It's been a while since my last story and I apologize. Life's been crazy and school's been hard. I'm gonna wish you all a merry Christmas a little early because I'm not sure I'll have time to post anything in a while.  
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 **I know this story isn't any like my previous stories. You will find the reason from the AN at the bottom.**

 **The characters might seem a little OCC but the reason for that, too, will be at the bottom AN.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own MacGyver, it belongs to its respective owners. The story behind this fic, however, is mine.**

 **Warnings: Bad language**

 **Based on a true story**

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It had been four hours since Mac had done his disappearing act and Jack was going crazy. First of all, it was his partner they were talking about and Mac never disappeared without notifying someone. It was unacceptable to do so in their line of work and Mac was completely aware of that. If he found his friend from some bar or fooling around - which was pretty unlikely - he would read Mac the riot act.

"Jack, I think I got something!" Riley called out from the living room where she and Bozer were sitting. "I think I found him."

Jack was by their side in seconds. "What do you got?" he questioned sharply.

Riley nodded as she continued typing on her laptop. "I traced his phone. He's at... his favorite hiking trail?" she frowned.

Jack sighed. The fact that Mac was at the hiking trail was a relief. At least he hadn't been abducted or being tortured. Mac's favorite hiking trail was pretty secluded and remote and not a lot of people knew about it so he felt confident enough to say that he hadn't been abducted. "Okay," he nodded, thinking about his next course of action. "Alright, here's what's gonna happen now. You're gonna stay here and keep on top of things while I go and get our genius."

"But, Jack-" Bozer started to protest but Jack silenced him with a hand.

"Bozer, you know Mac would never disappear without a reason," he said, waiting for Bozer to nod before continuing, "So, I want you to make sure everything is all nice and cozy for when I get back with him while I go find out what's going on."

A smile played on Bozer's lips. "Yeah, sure. Riley, get up. We're going to make Mac his favorite snacks and foods," he said. "And then we could get his favorite movies ready and have a movie night."

Jack and Riley shared looks and nodded. "Sounds good but I gotta go. Call me if anything changes, Ri," Jack told them as he headed for the front door, grabbing his jacket before going outside.

* * *

It took half an hour for Jack to get to his destination. As he parked his car, his eyes swept his surroundings. It had started raining heavily around twenty minutes ago which had made him worried. What if Mac had gone for a hike and was still out in the rain? What if something had happened?

"Stop it, Dalton," Jack grumbled. "What if's are useless in this situation." His eyes came across Mac's jeep and a frown crept across his features. He pocketed his car keys as he grabbed his jacket and stepped out into the rain, intending to check his friend's car.

As he got closer to the car, he noticed his friend's slim figure sitting on the driver's seat. Again, questions raced through his head. Had something happened? He walked around the car and tried the passenger side door which was, to his surprise, was open. He pulled the door shut after he climbed in.

Mac jumped a little when Jack got in but didn't acknowledge him any further. Jack eyed him carefully, not saying anything yet. Mac's complexion was paler than usual and every once in a while the blond would let out a shuddering breath.

Jack pursed his lips, thinking of an approach. If something was bothering him, even a single question could get him to clam up sometimes and other times all Mac needed was a simple question to find out what was going on inside the big head of was the right way this time?

"Mac, you alright?" he finally asked, getting slightly impatient as the silence continued for close to five minutes. He had spent hours searching his friend so he was pretty sure he deserved some answers.

Mac glanced at him for a split of a second before dropping his gaze to his hands. Jack waited patiently - at least as patiently as he could - for Mac to decide if he was going to answer. He had now made his move and his only choice was to wait for something to happen.

"Do you remember the time I told you my grandpa had passed away?" Mac asked quietly, the older man barely catching the question.

Jack froze for a second as he looked at his friend who was concentrated on the paperclip in his hands. That was definitely not the answer he had expected to get. For the next few minutes the only sound in the car was the raindrops landing on top of the roof.

"Yeah, I remember," Jack sighed, remembering almost every single detail from that day. Back then they had both still been in the army and they had only known each other for a couple of months.

They had been on a routine mission with their unit when everything had gone straight to hell. They had been ambushed by a bunch of radicals who had no concern over their own fate which meant they had been ready to make Jack's good day not so good. While the unit had been trying to keep the radicals in control and away, Mac had discovered a bomb that was big enough to blow at least the whole convoy up.

For some reason Mac had been in a chatty mood while he had disarmed the bomb and that day Jack had found new understanding for the kid. It had probably been the nerves that had made Mac chatty - it had, after all, been the first major firefight with the kid working with his unit - but he had also told Jack about his mother passing away when he had been young as well as his father leaving him with his grandfather.

In the end Mac managed to disarm the bomb and the unit got out of there but in the progress two of the members of the unit got severely injured and the other one never regained feeling in his legs. To say the day had been a bad one was a major understatement.

"It's kinda hard to forget," Jack continued, running a hand through his hair.

Mac nodded. "It-..." the blond hesitated for a moment. "The anniversary of his death is in a couple of weeks."

Realization dawned upon Jack. It all made sense now. It explained why Mac had been quieter than usual as well as avoiding the team. Fortunately they hadn't had any missions in a couple of days so it hadn't really been a problem. Well, Jack saw it as a problem anyway. Mac was already a preserved person and kept everything to himself which just wasn't a good or healthy for him - or anyone else for that matter.

Jack opened his mouth to reply when Mac continued, not giving him a chance to say anything.

"Did you know that when I got the news from Harry's closest friend, my first-... my first instinct was to comfort him? Harry had just passed away and I- my first instinct was to comfort his friend and not-..." Mac's voice broke. His hand twitched and he almost dropped the paperclip. "I didn't know how I was supposed to react." A lone tear slid down his cheek.

Jack closed his eyes for a moment, trying to push back the horrible feeling in his heart. It had been a long time since Mac had been this... open and vulnerable. Hell, this was actually the first time Mac willingly opened up to him and told him something personal. Jack had trouble finding words to say.

"Mac, bud, there was nothin' wrong with the way you reacted," he said with a soft voice. "You and I both know how hard it is to lose someone close to you. Losing someone you love can be a big shock."

Tears continued to make their way down the blond's face. This was clearly something Mac hadn't dealt with and now - after building for years and year - it all was threatening to break free. "You don't understand, Jack! I didn't even cry!" Mac exclaimed, throwing the paperclip angrily onto the dashboard. "I didn't feel anything at that moment, I felt empty! What's wrong with me?"

Jack rubbed the bridge of his nose. He had never known his partner struggled with something like that. No one should carry the weight of something like that on their shoulders for so many years.

He just wanted to pull the kid into a hug and tell him it would be alright but what little space there was in Mac's jeep didn't exactly allow that. "I never knew you were keepin' somethin' like this from me," he told the younger man and gently squeezed his shoulder. He could see Mac was trying his hardest to keep himself together. "But, Mac, listen to me carefully. There's nothing - _nothing_ \- wrong with you or the way you reacted. Everyone has their own way of coping and grieving."

"Jack," Mac tried to interrupt him.

Jack shook his head. "Did you ever even tell anyone?" he questioned. He already had a feeling of what the answer was going to be but he needed to hear it from him.

Mac drew in a deep breath, his breath hitching slightly. "I didn't want to burden anyone with it," he admitted. "Not even Bozer knows."

Jack sighed. "We have talked about this before, Mac. You can't keep everything inside. You're gonna have to acknowledge these things before they get too much to handle," he told his friend. "I know I might not be the best possible person to give this talk but, Mac, I'm serious."

"I know, Jack," Mac's voice was barely above a whisper and Jack could tell his partner was about to break apart. "I- I'm trying."

"I know you are, kid. But Mac, no one sees you as a burden. And do you know what I think?" he asked. After a moment Mac shook his head, a few tears falling down his face once more.

"I think you never really let yourself grieve. You have kept this inside and hidden for too long. You need to let it all out. It's the only way you can move on."

"How?" Mac questioned sharply, his voice having a slightly angry undertone in it. "How are you supposed to come to terms with someone close to you dying? What would Harry even think of me right now?"

"I can't tell you how to come to terms with someone close to you passing away. Everyone has their own ways. You just have to find your own," Jack stated firmly but kept a certain calming tone in his voice. "And Harry would probably give you some strangely wise advice. I still don't understand half of the things you have told me and if he was anything like you, I probably wouldn't have understood a word."

He got rewarded by a small - albeit watery - smile. "I think you two could have gotten along well, although I think there would have been arguments between you two every other hour," a small smile flashed on his lips before his breath hitched and tears formed in his eyes again. "I would have had to play referee between you two."

Jack let out a small chuckle before looking at his friend with a soft smile. "You know, remembering all the good stuff is one way of grieving. Talking to a friend is another," Jack said. "But listen, Mac, you need to understand that there was nothing wrong with the way you reacted when you got the news. I reckon that's what's keeping you from gettin' closure."

Mac drew in a shaky breath. "I wanted to visit him, you know," he admitted. "Before he died, I mean. I knew his condition was getting worse."

Jack took Mac willingness to talk as a win at this point. It was a good thing if Mac got at least a little of the weight off his shoulders.

"I tried to get a leave but I was required on the field because of the increase in enemy movements," the blond shook his head. "I just- I wanted to see him for one last time." This time his voice broke completely and a sob left his lips.

"I'm sorry to hear that but I'm sure Harry would have understood," Jack put his hand on Mac's shoulder and didn't let go. Right now the kid needed to just let it all out without any pressure from him and Jack was content with just being there for his young friend.

It took four minutes for Mac to calm himself down enough to speak up. "Thanks, Jack," he gasped, wiping his eyes. "I didn't know I needed this."

"I'm always here for ya, kid," Jack stated the truth. Even though it might have sounded a little too sentimental for someone, Jack knew his friend needed to hear it right now. "Do you want to tell me more about Harry?"

After a moment Mac shook his head, still trying to struggle against the tears threatening to spill. "Not today. Now I just want to head home and have a hot shower."

Right then Jack remembered something. "Um, Riley and Bozer have planned a movie night for tonight, do you want me to cancel it?" he questioned. "They won't ask you any questions, I promise."

"It's okay," Mac told him. "I could use the distraction tonight." At Jack's sceptical look Mac sighed. "I promise I won't bury this all back inside, Jack."

Jack nodded. "That's good," he said. "Now, I'm driving us back to your place, I'm not letting you drive right now."

Mac frowned. "What about your car?"

"Don't worry about it," Jack shook his head. "I'll come back for it tomorrow." He then stepped out of the car to walk around the car to get behind the wheel. Mac followed his lead and stepped out of the car, too. Mac took in a deep breath and walked straight to Jack and hugged him.

"Thanks, big guy," he whispered, yet another tear sliding down his face.

"No problem," Jack reassured him as he hugged him back. He knew Mac would probably deny the hug the following day and he would, too, but now it didn't matter if they didn't look all macho. The only thing that mattered at the moment was that they both were fine - or at least would be - fine.

The End

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 **A/N: First of all, I wanna thanks to all of you who took time to read this story. It means a lot to me. Reviews will be very appreciated, they motivate me and keep me going.**

 **Okay, so, the story behind this fic:**

 **I lost my grandpa a little under three and half years ago. We were very close and he was the first person I ever lost. I was young - a little too young to understand what had really happened (I know someone might argue on that but it's true). I remember my dad coming home that day. When he told me my grandpa - his father - had passed away, I didn't know how I was supposed to react. I felt empty. I had lost the man I looked up to but I didn't even cry. I never really grieved. I didn't know how to grieve.**

 **Only after all those years, I finally realized - with the help of my mother and best friend - that there was nothing wrong with the way I reacted. I had never lost anyone before him, so I hadn't experienced anything like it before. I have only now started to let myself grieve and this fic is a part of my grieving progress. I have cried and I've felt guilty and angry. I've felt guilty and angry at myself for not reacting, for not crying. The last memory I have of my grandpa is from my birthday before his death. He was crying because he couldn't come to my birthday party because he was staying at the hospital. It hurts but even if that was the last thing I remembered of him, it would be alright, because I would still remember the man who I loved -and still love - very much.  
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 **Thank you for taking your time to read this. It really means a lot to me. If one of you is struggling with something, PM me. I'm a pretty good listener and if I can help in any way, I will try.**


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